If you grew up having a difficult relationship with your parents, you might set out to "break the cycle" when you have your own family. But what does this mean and how is it achieved? The answer is to address your mental health struggles and seek to understand your senior parents' attitudes towards mental health.
There is an adage in psychology that suggests we repeat the things we do not repair. In other words, unless we study our family history, we are bound to repeat it. The Baby Boomers are aging into the largest group of seniors we've ever seen. Understanding their views towards mental health will ease some of their struggles as seniors. It will also help their Gen X and Millennial children find common ground as they help them age.
In general, Boomers take a skeptical approach toward mental health. They see self-reliance as honorable, and seeking treatment for mental illness as a personal or moral failure. When they were coming of age, mental health as we know it now was more of a novel concept. The study of conditions like anxiety and depression were still in their infancy. For this cohort, mental illness conjured images of institutionalization and "being labeled." To avoid shame, pity or bullying, they learned to hide emotional struggles. And these beliefs haven't changed much since then.
Children of Boomers are often Gen Xers or Elder Millennials. They're known for their self-reliance, independence, flexibility, innovation and adaptation. Their childhoods were usually without a lot of adult supervision. This was a result of having two parents working outside the home, as well as a rise in divorce. As adults, they're often caring for both their own children and their parents. As parents, many choose the "helicopter" style, in direct contrast to the "hands off" style of their own parents. Which has led this generation to be open to seeking mental health help for their kids, and for themselves.
Doing difficult emotional work in therapy sometimes results in becoming less tolerant of those who don’t. Especially if their lack of insight and self reflection impacts you. Especially when that person is your parent. Some Gen Xers/Elder Millennials feel they have worked hard to become who they are, in spite of their relationships with the parents for whom they are now expected to care.
A look at 1960s psychological development theory makes this even more interesting. Erik Erikson was a German-American psychoanalyst, considered the father of developmental psychology.
Erikson divided the lifespan into eight stages, each with a major psychosocial task to accomplish or crisis to overcome. With success of each task comes a sense of competence and a healthy personality. Failure to master these tasks leads to feelings of inadequacy. Before Erikson, psychoanalysts believed the only development in later adulthood were physical needs, that emotional growth was finished. Erikson believed that our personality continues to evolve throughout our lifespan.
Erickson’s final developmental stage, called Integrity vs Despair, starts around age 65 and ends with death. The major question addressed in this stage is “Did I live a meaningful life?” If their answer is to look back with acceptance, peace, a sense of wholeness and wisdom, Erikson calls this integrity. If they look back with regret, bitterness, depression and rumination over mistakes, their response to the task is to feel despair. It is, of course, more complex and nuanced but this is a simplified overview.
Depending on their response to this task, people will experience aging and health crises very differently. Those who achieved a sense of ego integrity tend to be more resilient and accepting of help. Those experiencing despair are more vulnerable to poor adjustment and unhealthy coping skills like using explosive language or drinking.
When caring for a challenging senior, try reframing your difficult interactions. Rather than saying “This person is horrible,” ask “What happened to him that made him behave this way?” This reframe allows you to see the person as someone who's been through difficult things that affect their behavior, and not just an inherently bad person.
In the heat of the moment, this can be a challenge. Employ all the coping mechanisms you can! Take a moment to step away and breathe. Count to ten before you respond. Try redirecting into a lighter mood with music or by changing the subject. It won't always work, and that's ok. Generation gaps take a long time to form, and a longer time to bridge. But understanding why they're there in the first place, can help tremendously.
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