Essential Tips for Connecting with Kids for Those in the Sandwich Generation
I am not the main caregiver for my mom, nor was I for my dad when he was alive. In fact, I live 3,000 miles away, and have for the past twenty years. Back then, moving away from my family of origin was the best thing I could do for my mental health. But as my parents grew older, and their health more precarious, it had the exact opposite effect.
Being far away when my father had a stroke, or almost died during hip surgery, or became completely reliant on others for the most basic needs was torture. Being far away when my mother was acting like the most horrid toddler, including behaviors like throwing temper tantrums and hitting people, made me feel powerless to do anything meaningful to stop it. When we finally made the difficult decision to move them from their home and into long term care, I felt unbearable guilt for not being close enough to help more.
The stress of the situation seeped into my life. Anxiety kept me up at night. I had a hard time concentrating on work. My mind was often elsewhere, trying to find solutions to the complex issues my parents, and my siblings who cared for them, faced.
Whether you’re the primary caregiver of elderly parents or not, you might suffer from some of the emotional fallout. And if you’re a member of the sandwich generation, your relationship with your kids could also suffer. You really don’t need more guilt and anxiety in your life, so here are some tips for connecting to your kids while caring for (or even just worrying about) your seniors.
Quality Time
Kids generally need less one-on-one time than you think- 15 minutes of undivided attention can go a long way. Younger kids are more receptive to a variety of activities, like playing games, helping around the house, and reading together. Teens can be trickier, but if you play to their interests, you can probably wrangle a few minutes out of them.
When you have more than one child, it’s especially good to give them each their own time with you. This can be tricky, but even a car ride to practice where it’s just the two of you, can give you an opportunity to have some meaningful one-on-one time. Bonus points if you choose activities that allow you to practice other forms of bonding, like asking their opinion about a topic you know is important to them, and then really listening to their response.
Listen (and interject, but don’t interrupt). Taking the time to listen to a story your child wants to share speaks volumes to them. Even if it’s something that seems inane to you, like a tale about an amazing round of a video game, actively listening to them is important. Make eye contact, ask questions that show you’re really listening, and give them your undivided attention for the duration of their tale (or for a respectable part of it, as sometimes a younger child’s meandering story could inadvertently turn into a lullaby for you).
Engage Them in the Work of Caring
Ask for their input on something. This is not an invitation to unload your caregiver stress on them. Asking an age-appropriate question will boost their confidence and make them feel like the important part of the family they are.
A good question for a younger kid might be something like, “What kinds of things do you think we could do with Grandpa when we go to visit him?”
An older child or teen can understand more complex issues: “I’m trying to figure out ways to remind my mom to take her medicine. Do you have any ideas?”
If you think your kids have had it up to their eyeballs with conversations about your senior, ask for input on unrelated things, like what to have for dinner, what kind of summer camps or jobs they might be interested in, how they feel about something in the news or politics (obviously aimed at older kids).
Ask for their help with something. No, not adult diaper duty, nice try. Choose something age-appropriate and that will hopefully make them feel good about their contribution in the end (even if at first, they grumble). You are killing two birds with this; getting actual help with something and teaching them a valuable lesson about what it means to be part of a family. It’s a good lesson on having realistic expectations about life and duty. That it’s not all sunshine and roses. We do sometimes have obligations that aren’t all that fun. And for the love of God, let them surmise this themselves. No getting up on a soapbox to spell it out for them. This rarely has the desired effect.
A good request for a young kid might be something like: ““Can you help me pick out a present for Poppy’s birthday? I bet you would pick out something he would really like!”
For an older kid/teen who is up for hanging with the older folks you might ask: “I have got to do some housework over at Nana’s, but it’s hard to get anything done because she needs to be occupied. Would you be able to come over and hang out with her for a bit so I can get some stuff done?”
If your big kid is better with less human interaction, ask them to mow Grandpa’s lawn or weed the garden.
Little kids are usually happy to help, older kids may not be. Avoid lecturing. Listen to what they have to say as calmly as you can and see if you can find a compromise. Or just walk away and give them a minute. Oftentimes they will first respond negatively to a disruption to their norm, but given time to reflect, may come around all on their own.
Be Honest About Your Struggles
You don't have to tell your kids when you are stressed or overwhelmed, they know. You don't have to sugar coat your stresses and you don't have to provide too much information either. If you find yourself short tempered or at the end of your rope, say so. Tell your family what you need: time, space, their patience, fewer requests. This serves two purposes: you are coping in a healthy way and you are modeling what it looks like to be overwhelmed and ask for support.
Show and tell your kids how much you love them. At the core of the discontent your kids feel over your senior caregiving responsibilities is often worry: worry about you, worry about their grandparents, worry about what any given situation means for them. When your attention is split, especially if in the past it has not been, your kids may feel neglected, even if they don’t have the words to express it. A small, thoughtful gift, a quick snuggle sesh before school, or a few words to express your feelings towards them can work wonders for creating a healthy attachment, even in teens. Validate that you know this is a hard time for them and that you have to steal quick moments when you can.
The most important part of connection and repair with your kids is giving yourself a lot of grace. You’re not always going to be able to be the parent you dreamed of being. You’re being pulled in a million directions and there will be times when parts of your life will suffer. It’s inevitable that your kids will feel this struggle at some point. First: give yourself permission to let things fall by the wayside when you need a mental health break for yourself. You’ve got to put your oxygen mask on first before you can save anyone else. Taking care of yourself is not actually selfish – it’s the best choice for everyone.
And second: there are ways to look at the impact your caregiving life has on your kids in a different light. What are you teaching your children about family by caring for your parents? What kind of resilience are you building in them when they realize that they can’t always be the center of your world? What are they learning about empathy? Learning these lessons as a kid is quite instrumental in creating fantastic adults. Adults who hopefully will be well prepared when it’s their turn to take care of you.
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