Find ways to reconnect, feel supported by and supportive of your partner
When my son was a baby, I liked to say that the hardest thing about parenting was marriage. Most people with kids (of any age) would laugh knowingly. When you’re in the throes of caring for someone whose needs seem just about endless, it’s really hard to prioritize other relationships. More than that, it’s really hard not to feel resentment and even some anger at your partner when it feels like they don’t understand or are putting unrealistic demands on you. Well, this phase of your life could be looked at like a dress rehearsal for your next caregiving role: caring for your elderly parents.
There are many similarities between caring for young children and caring for old people. And the most difficult of these similarities can affect your other relationships in much the same way. When you are the primary caregiver of either group you might:
· Feel like no one else can do what you do in quite the right way.
· Become obsessed with the care and “helicopter” your kid or parent.
· Feel guilt or shame for resenting the child/parent you’re caring for, and take that out on your partner.
· Resent your partner for not having the same burden as you.
· Have zero libido; you can’t imagine anyone else touching you for one more second.
· Feel like you’re in limbo, or like your life is on hold while your partner continues to accomplish their personal goals.
· Feel crazy.
· Feel irrational.
· Feel burnt out.
· Feel like you can’t take it anymore, and then feel guilty for feeling that way.
Caregiving is HARD on relationships. I might venture to say that caring for older folks might even be harder than parenting with a partner. At least the kid is both of yours, and you more or less went into parenting knowing that it would be a lot of work. And that the payoff for doing a good job is that you raise an excellent human.
Caring for the elderly is different in that it’s hard to know what to expect. The payoff is not the same, as your parent isn’t going to learn from you, or get better; they will get worse, and they will eventually die. And let’s face it. The diaper situation with the elderly is at least a thousand times worse. Both kinds of caregiving are exhausting and mind numbing at times, but the difference between the two are that caring for the elderly is a mostly sad endeavor while caring for healthy children usually brings more joy than sorrow.
Your partner, who may have appreciated and understood your anger and frustration when your kids were little, might have less tolerance for those things when it comes to your care for your seniors. And vice versa – you may have a lot less tolerance for your partner’s input or perceived criticism.
Blow ups happen, trust me. It is normal and understandable. There are things that you can do, and that you can ask your partner to do, but you also need to make a pact about giving each other a lot of grace. The best parenting advice I have also applies to caring for the elderly: you can’t take what is said by a sleep-deprived, overwhelmed person personally. For caregivers of the elderly, I would like to add a second part to that: you can’t take offense to every suggestion your partner makes regarding your care. Please remember that you love each other. Please know that in most cases, if not all, your partner is watching you struggle and feeling helpless.
When your partner makes a suggestion or an observation, take a beat before you respond. Say to yourself: THEY JUST WANT TO HELP. You can say it in your head or mumble it through gritted teeth. Even if you’re not 100% sure they do, say it anyway. Just try to adopt this as a mantra before blowing your top. If you say it and you blow your top anyway, well, at least you tried.
My husband has this thing that when I am venting about my mom, he almost seems angry, which doesn’t make any sense. But then I realized – he is frustrated that he doesn’t have a solution to offer me. He doesn’t like to see me upset, and doesn't know how to help. What he doesn’t realize is that unless I am specifically asking for help finding a solution, what I am really asking for is for him to listen. So now I have figured out that if I make that clear from the get-go, he is much more receptive. I’ll say, “I’m not asking for a solution, I just need to vent.” And just like that, he gets into listening mode.
Another pitfall to watch for is feeling protective of your senior when your partner criticizes them. Often they do this for the same reason as the one we talked about above: your partner's allegiance is to you, and they see your senior as the cause of your stress. They want to show you that they are on your side, but it can feel like an attack on your senior. In fact, it probably is an attack on your senior, and that can make you feel defensive or protective, even if you agree with the criticism. When you say or act in a way that says to your partner "no one can be mean to my mom but me," you may inadvertently be sending a message to your partner that they read as "I choose my parent over you." It's so much better for your relationship if you can take a second to think about why they are criticizing your senior, and why it triggers you. Try just being honest:
Hey, I know you're trying to be supportive to me, and also it makes me feel weirdly protective of my (mom, dad) when you criticize them. I get why you're doing it, and I appreciate you're doing it because you love me. I just want to be honest and tell you I would rather you tried not to do that. And also? I love you, too.
These little things you do to hear each other will go a long way in helping other problems you face, too. Because there is nothing sexier to an exhausted caregiver than feeling heard. You may just feel a little spark of mojo return. Probably not for long, so get to it, tiger.
There is advice out there about how to keep your marriage healthy while caring for your elderly parents. All of it is good, in theory, if you include the caveat that sometimes it’s just not gonna work. Sometimes you’re too far into a stress spiral. Your partner is too mad about feeling neglected. Listen, everyone is doing their best, and sometimes shit just happens. It’s ok. Your anger might have been misguided, or your anger might be justified but your delivery was out of line. Either case probably calls for some sort of apology. Keeping your marriage in good shape during all of this caregiving stuff is not a linear process. Just keep trying, keep moving forward. This is all very hard to navigate and beating yourself up over not always keeping your cool in an often impossible situation is just not productive.
Another important thing to recognize is that if you’re ebbing way more than you’re flowing, therapy might come in handy. You can see a marriage counselor together, or you might want to find a therapist who specializes in caregiver support and go alone. You could see if your insurance provider could help you find one or contact your local Area Agency on Aging. Or save money while killing two birds with one stone: find a marriage counselor and join a free online caregiver support group, to talk to people who truly understand.
You're not crazy - this is really hard stuff! All your many feelings about caregiving - the good, the bad and the ugly - are justifiable. A longterm partnership goes through many phases, and most of those phases don't last forever. This is another challenge that will be much easier to navigate if you remember you're on the same team.
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