So many emotions are in play when you're present for a loved one’s death. It seems cruel, but the truth is there are also a lot of logistics to manage immediately after your loved one dies. How that goes down has a lot to do with where the person died, and who was there to witness it. So here is some information on the logistics of death; what to do when your L.O. dies.
My mom passed away quickly and generally without incident. Four months after my dad passed away, I went home to help as she was rapidly declining. Out for dinner after we put mom to bed, my sister told me she was confident our mom would be gone soon. I wasn’t sure at the time, but she was right. The night she passed, we were on the phone a lot discussing her health. We decided it was time to either request a hospice referral or take her to the hospital. She ate dinner and then used a walker to get back to her room and get into bed. Stressful times can bring out odd coping behaviors. I remember us laughing and being a little nervous about what was coming next and how to handle it. Our dad had been on hospice at the end of his life. Hospice provides 24/7 access to a nurse to answer questions and allay fears. This time we were on our own. After she passed, my sister called the funeral home who told us we needed to call 911 first.
“911??” I remember asking incredulously. Yes, 911. The deceased must be pronounced dead before the funeral home can come and remove the body. If you are in the hospital, the doctors do this for you. If you are on hospice, the hospice nurse will come to pronounce death. In both cases, nurses will wash or prepare your loved one’s body (removal of tubes, etc.) before the funeral home comes. Funeral homes are generally on call 24/7 as well.
It was a surreal hour or so. Mom was gone. Emergency personnel came and confirmed what we already knew. Weird thoughts crept in while EMS was there. Did they suspect foul play? We worried we came off as guilty of something. Like when you go through airport security and start wondering if you accidentally packed a weapon, or someone planted a bomb in your bag. Do you sometimes think like this, or are you normal?
Of course no one suspected that we murdered our mother. EMS had been to this rodeo a thousand times before but for us, it was a downright bizarre experience.
We found the funeral home to be pretty amazing also. They know how to help you through all the decisions to make. I've heard that sometimes people feel they were upsold during a time of grief, but that wasn’t the case for our family.
If your senior lived at home, remember to secure the house, care for any pets, and pick up or forward mail. Remove valuables like cash or jewelry from the home. Unfortunately, criminals will scan obituaries to break in to look for valuables.
Ideally, you have copies of wills or trusts, and your name is on your senior’s bank account. That way you will have access to the funds needed for funerals or other end of life ceremonies. But, as we all know, situations are hardly ever ideal. Above all else, you will need to get a death certificate. The funeral home and your state’s office of vital records will help with how to get this. Order several copies because the bank, DMV, insurance companies, etc. will ask for it. Googling “death certificate Oregon” or whatever state you live in will tell you how to get what you need.
It can take several months to a few years to settle an estate. Take a deep breath to mourn and regroup. You will need some rest time to recover from your last marathon before you get ready for your next one.
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