How to get a head of the challenges that come from caring for elders
We had a long-running joke in my family about who was going to take care of my mom when she got old.
“I would take care of her, but she likes you the best, so I guess it should be you.”
“You’ve always been so good with animals, so you should probably also take care of mom.” Things like that. All to say that none of us was clamoring for the honor, and it seemed so far off that we could joke about it like it wasn’t eventually going to be one of us who saddled with her care.
I realize that sounds terrible, but you must understand. Even in the bloom of her youth my mother was hard to manage; we could only imagine what she would be like in her later years.
No one made the same jokes about my dad, who was easy going and sweet his entire life. We assumed he would get older, and then some day in a very distant future, he would just no longer be with us.
We didn’t think about what would happen if mom got a disease like Alzheimers. We never imagined that my father would have multiple strokes and falls. We did not prepare for the years of care that was required after they could no longer take care of themselves.
And who does? I have friends with parents near 80 who still believe that they have time to plan. Or who believe that their parents have it all sorted out, and they’ll be off the hook. I’m certainly not judging; I was the same until I was in the middle of a crisis having not a clue what to do next.
Get ready for the Big Boom.
I’m not talking about some cataclysmic event out in the universe somewhere. We’re talking about the 70+ million Baby Boomers who are coming into old age.
The “Silver Tsunami” has begun, where 4.1 million Americans will turn 65 every year from 2024 to 2027. And this onslaught will bring in its wake a whole slew of new problems older Americans and their caregivers must face.
· Roughly 30 percent of family caregivers of older Americans live in a household that includes children or grandchildren. They are increasingly likely to be working while performing their caregiving responsibilities.
· Sixty-one percent of family caregivers of adults work either full- or part-time. They face financial risks such as lost income and reduced career opportunities that may mean a future built on lower savings and reduced Social Security benefits.
· Direct-care workforce shortages can lead to more hours of care and higher-intensity care by family caregivers. Retaining workers in a field with high turnover and providing sufficient pay and training are challenging.
Ok, ok, you say. This is all very interesting, but I only have one (or two) Boomers to worry about so why does this matter to me? It matters because outside resources, like the number of available home healthcare workers are dwindling. It matters because the cost of assisted living is growing more astronomical every day, and competition to get an available space is getting more and more fierce. It matters because the age in which your parents can collect their social security benefits is likely rising. It matters because the odds of your parents needing help in their later years is great, with estimates that 7 in 10 Americans will eventually need some kind of care.
These are cold, hard facts, so take a moment to feel sorry for yourself, then return here for the good news. I’ll wait.
The good news is there is help, if you know where to look. This perfect storm of tens of millions of folks aging at once, a fractured healthcare system, and long-term care costs skyrocketing means that our federal and state government sees this for the healthcare crisis it is and is putting programs in place to help. Additionally, there are many organizations that offer assistance for caregivers, like Health in Aging, The National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC), Family Caregiver Alliance, and AARP.
And there are steps to take to help you be prepared rather than panicked and overwhelmed. Here are a few:
Talk to your parents about their own expectations Do they want to age in place? Do they expect to live with a relative at some point? Would they feel more comfortable in an adult community or assisted living facility? What are their expectations for your involvement as their child/loved one?
Know what you’re working with It’s important to understand your parents financial situation, whether or not they have healthcare directives, and what their insurance covers (and doesn’t cover). This information is so critical for planning, but also often difficult to get your seniors to talk about. You must convince them that you’re not asking because you’re nosy, but because you want to help them plan for a time of life that is so difficult to plan for. Older generations are not fond of talking about personal things.
If you have siblings, talk to them before there is a crisis Keeping your head in the sand over what’s looming ahead isn’t good for anyone, especially your sibling relationships. It’s much better to consider how the division of labor will go beforehand, rather than letting the job fall to someone who isn’t expecting it, one trip to the doctor at a time. It's also important that anyone who has a stake in your parents care be present for all conversations you have with them.
If you are married or in a relationship, keep them in the loop Caregiving undoubtedly will cause strife in your other relationships. Get ahead of it by talking about how you envision caregiving. Be on the same page. Of course it’s hard to plan for how aging will go for your seniors, but at least you can talk about the what ifs and hypotheticals before they happen to align your expectations. Same goes for older kids still living at home.
Make conversations with your senior about them as much as possible News flash: no one wants to be told what to do, and this is doubly true for parents being told what to do by their children. “Hey mom, we want to make sure we all know what you envision you’re your life in the next few years so that we can help you make it happen. So can you share that with us?” If you’re not in a crisis situation, and your parents are still relatively healthy, you can make it as though you’re having a hypothetical or casual conversation. “Hey dad, have you ever thought about..” or “John and I just made our will and healthcare directives. Have you two ever done that?” Prioritize their wishes, and if you have to disagree, do it respectfully, whenever you can. Sometimes an elderly person can feel up against the wall with these conversations, and lash out. Try not to take the bait by staying calm. Kill them with kindness. Please don’t be like I was – believing that these conversations would be too awkward or worrying that I would offend or anger them. Guess what? Even if you do, it’s worth trying to get these ducks in a row before you’re scrambling to fix things that are already broken.
Listen, preparing yourself for your future with aging parents can feel like daunting stuff, but you are not alone. Instead of reinventing the wheel, you can join the Surviving Seniors community, and we’ll get through this together. Do you have any pointers on how to prepare for caregiving? Leave a comment below.
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