Unless you’re an only child, there is another component of taking care of elderly parents: having to work (or not work) with your siblings. Perhaps you got along well with these people during childhood, or perhaps you were like opponents in a cage match. Whatever the dynamic, sibling relationships are sure to complicate, and feature prominently in the care of your elders.
Every sibling plays at least one, though often more than one, role in a family. Your brother might not only be the oldest, but also the Ostrich of the family. Your little sister might be the baby and the Golden child, and also the delegator. These life-long roles often take on new meaning when it comes to managing the care of your shared parents. And sometimes that opens old wounds, create rifts where once there were none or, if you’re extremely lucky, an alliance you never saw coming.
The Delegator
The delegator has all sorts of ideas about what should be happening with your parents, but leaves the nitty-gritty (i.e. all the work) up to others. This person will say to the main caregiver something along the lines of “Have you tried…” or “You know, you should really do it this way…” and the person who is doing the actual elder care may or may not want to punch them in the face. But you’d be hard pressed to find a jury to convict them if they did.
How to cope Like a Border Collie, this person needs a job. You might say something like, “I’m feeling good about the way I am dealing with this issue with mom. Why don’t you concentrate on doing XYZ? That way we’re not duplicating work.”
What probably won't work Screaming out an itemized list of all the things you do that they don't, and telling them where they can stick their unhelpful suggestions.
The One With Inappropriately Timed Concerns
This family member has a lot of feelings about things that don’t matter right this minute. A lot of time this stems from wanting to stay within their wheelhouse (the accountant wants to talk about dad’s financial documents, the real estate agent wants to focus on what needs to be done to sell mom’s house if she goes into assisted living). So even though their heart is usually in the right place, it may be off-putting to have your sibling talking about money when you’re worried about your parents' health, for example.
What might work A good way to deal with this type of person is to say something like, “that’s a valid concern, but let’s talk about that after this emergency is over,” or “let’s put a pin in that discussion until after this other issue is resolved.”
What probably won't work Shaming them for their "stupid concerns" or accusing them of not caring about the welfare of your parents as much as you do. People don't usually love that.
The My-Way-Or-The-Highway
This person is very possibly incapable of compromise. Trying to manage your elder’s care in collaboration with a MWOTH leaves you wondering how they ever maintain a job (unless they’re the CEO, then you can see it perfectly). Every decision becomes a battle. They use phrases like, “They absolutely need to go to a nursing home and not assisted living.” And “Power of attorney positively should go to the eldest.” Often their self-assuredness does not correspond with their correctness.
What might work Dealing with a person who believes their own words and opinions are gospel is never easy. The best thing to do is stand your ground. Remind them (and yourself, if they’ve gotten in your head) that you are an adult and decisions about your parents welfare will be made democratically, not by decree.
What probably won't work Reverting to the voice of your inner 5 year old, yelling "YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME," but with a hefty dose of expletives. You may also be tempted to bring up every single time in the past that they forced their opinion and that opinion ended up being wrong.
The Ostrich
These are the “wait-and-see” people. Mom’s toe looks like it may be in need of amputation? Ostrich wants to wait and see if it heals on its own. Dad’s wetting the bed three nights a week? Ostrich thinks maybe we should wait and see if it passes before suggesting he where diapers to bed. The Ostrich is all wait and no see because of the location of their head – buried in the sand. Or up their ass. Whatever metaphor works for you. Anxiety is very often the reason for their deer-in-headlights response to a need for action.
What might work With firm but gentle words, you may be able to wrench the Ostrich out of their paralysis. You might try to say something like, “I know you’re not yet worried, but I am, and for peace of mind, I think we need to call the doctor.”
What probably won't work Starting a sentence with "get your head out of your...," or suggesting that their hesitancy is a reflection of their intelligence.
Maybe you see your siblings in these roles, or maybe you see yourself in one of them, or both. Perhaps (like me) you have used some of the less effective methods of handling the situation. From experience I can tell you it’s best to at least start out believing that everyone has their own struggle with this situation, and is hopefully doing the best they can. I love acronyms, so here is one to keep in mind for dealing with your siblings.
Patience - try to exercise patience when you’re struggling to see eye to eye. Take a beat before reacting so that you can respond to disagreements more effectively and less emotionally.
Empathy - put yourself in your siblings shoes. These are their parents, too, and they may have different ways of processing this journey than you do.
Align - it’s critical to find alignment between the siblings. If you struggle to accomplish this on your own, it may be time to bring in a mediator or family counselor to help.
Challenge - don’t sit by silently when you don’t agree with something. Speak your mind. Voice your concerns.Try for a calm, non-combative tone. Empower - your siblings and yourself to be honest and straight-forward. You are all adults, so try to face this challenging time as such. Recognize if you’re falling back into ineffectual patterns of your childhood, and get back on track as soon as you can.
What are the roles in your family? Share in the comments, anonymously if need be. We totally get it. You’ll notice we didn’t specifically talk about our own siblings here. We’re not stupid.
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