There are so many things to think about when you’re trying to prepare yourself for life with aging parents. And so much of that preparation needs to start by having difficult conversations with them. Some people have wonderfully open lines of communication with their elderly parents. Those folks can just skip this post.
But if you’d rather get a root canal than talk to your parents about finances or advanced directives or assigning a power of attorney, read on for some suggestions on starting a conversation without starting a war.
Tread Lightly
This is an overarching theme on the subject of how to have effective conversation with the elderly. No matter the situation, topic, or personality of your senior, coming on strong is never going to end well. If you try to force an issue it can make an elder feel like:
· their autonomy is being threatened
· you have an ulterior motive (i.e. you’re after their money, you’re trying to trick them into doing something they don’t want to do like move into assisted living or stop driving)
· you don’t have their best interest in mind but instead are looking out for your own interests
· you’re being condescending/insulting their intelligence
Essentially, coming on too aggressively puts you at great risk of ruining your chances of a successful conversation. You’ll have an elder who is completely shut down for the foreseeable future.
Know Your Audience
Having your finger on the pulse of what matters to your senior can work to your advantage when trying to broach difficult topics. Find creative ways to make the thing about something they really care about.
For example, will your mom do anything to avoid conflict between you and your siblings? Frame a conversation about assigning financial and medical powers of attorney addressing that.
“Mom, it might feel it’s too early to talk about these things now, having this figured out ahead of time will avoid arguments between Nancy and me if you ever need us to act on your behalf.”
And it’s almost definitely not too early. This is an example of a harmless little untruth to make your senior feel like you believe they really don’t need any help. Wink, wink.
Watch Your Tone, Young Lady!
Sometimes we’ll hear people say things like, “I have to talk to my parents like their children!”
You actually don’t and definitely should not.
Do they resemble three-year-olds in the way they behave sometimes? Sure. Are they going to react well if you are condescending? I don’t think I need to answer that.
I used to say to myself, “How would I feel if my kid talked to me like I was an idiot?” But now I have a teenager, so I don’t have to imagine. He gets NO WHERE with me when he talks to me like that, and neither will I, if I pull that on my mom.
Instead of giving ultimatums, try to think about how you would feel in a similar situation and lead with compassion, even if you don’t really feel it.
“I can only imagine how frustrated you are, Dad. I wish things could be different.”
Talk to them as a fellow adult whose independence is being chipped away the older they get. This sucks for them, too, and you’ll understand that all too well when you’re the old person throwing a temper tantrum.
The Power of Suggestion
Depending on the personality of your senior, a direct approach may fall flat. Sometimes talking about an issue in a roundabout way will help them to come to a conclusion themselves.
“I can’t believe how much traffic there is around here these days, mom! I feel like I’m taking my life in my own hands every time I get on the highway!”
Talking about the traffic and crazy drivers might avoid making your senior feel like you’re criticizing their driving or questioning their abilities.
“It’s a shame about Dara’s mom. She passed away but hadn’t given any of her financial information to her, and now she is trying to untangle this huge mess.” A cautionary tale told in a way that doesn’t sound like a lesson might be just the ticket if you want your senior to feel like they’re making this decision themselves, and not because their kid is badgering them to do it.
Take yourself out of the equation
This is a tactic that may work when all else fails. Maybe your parents are just never going to be able to look you in the eye and tell you how they want the end of their life to look like. This happened with my dad and me. He literally pretended to fall asleep rather than answer my question about advanced directives. And he was my easiest of my two parents! My sister and I spoke to his palliative care doctor, who was able to get the information on his wishes that we needed. I think he still though of us as his little girls and was trying to protect us.
So getting a doctor involved could possibly work. Or maybe writing down your questions and asking them to answer them that way can feel less awkward for them. There is an awesome organization called The Conversation Project that has great downloadable guides you can give to your senior to fill out regarding end-of-life questions.
As always on Surviving Seniors, we know that all of this is very hard, and very subject to the cooperation of your senior. We are all trying our best in a very difficult situation. So, try what sounds reasonable, modify things to fit your situation, and always remember to give yourself grace.
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