The best way to head off issues around your elderly parent’s care is to discuss it long before the care is needed, which is hard because no one wants to imagine their parents getting old and needing help. And everyone wants to believe that, when the time comes, you and your siblings will work seamlessly together.
This is a classic “do as I say, not as I do” scenario. I'm telling you the importance of effectively working with your siblings in the care of your parents, about acting as the adults you are as opposed to the children you were, even though my siblings and I squarely failed at this endeavor.
In my family, there are deep-seated resentments and anger that had long been swept under the rug. Believe me, if your relationship with your siblings has any unresolved issues, your on-the-surface cordiality will disappear when the stress of caring for your elderly parents begins. In a situation where you’re forced to make important decisions together, the chances of you slipping back into toxic patterns is very high. Dealing with issues before you’re in crisis mode will be so much easier, even if it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.
I have spent decades not clearing the air with my siblings. What I wish I had done ten years ago was to really start thinking about what it would be like to have to work together with them as our parents aged. I deeply regret that we never took the time to discuss how we each saw our parents’ old age panning out, what our roles would be in their care if the need arose, and how we could put the past behind us and work as a team. Because it’s hard to make emergency decisions with the people who used to hold you down and spit in your mouth (true story).
Why do siblings fight?
There are many reasons why it’s so hard for siblings to get along when forced into a situation like caring for their elderly parents. Whatever the pattern was when you were kids, could now return with a vengeance.
Was your oldest sister bossy when you were kids? Wait to you get a load of her when it comes to making decisions about your parents’ care. Did your brother hide out in his room when the rest of the family was immersed in chaos and arguments? He might be as useful now at helping with decisions regarding your folks.
Were you taught to effectively work out issues, or did you grow up in a house where no one talked about difficult things, or in one where all-out brawls were the favored method for problem-solving? Do you have a different socio-economic situation than your siblings? Different religious or political beliefs? These could also be points of contention.
Old rivalries may also return. If you were accused of being mom’s favorite, the black sheep, or the problem child, your siblings may try to revive those labels, affecting the way they treat you now.
I think in my own family, there was a perfect storm. My dad, living up to his Silent Generation stereotype, would do everything in his power – including faking sleep – to avoid talking about things like finances or his last wishes. If we had tried to talk to him about it when he was healthy and in a less vulnerable state, would it have been easier? We’ll never know because we didn’t try.
My mom, unwilling to accept her growing need for help, will be combative to the bitter end, I’m sure. I don’t think having a conversation with her when she was healthier would have helped, because dementia has only magnified her personality; it hasn’t really changed it.
The one thing I believe we really had in our control was how we, the siblings, interacted with each other. Here are some things I wish we had done, and hope that you take to heart when thinking about your own families.
·I wish we had sat down ages ago and discussed how we each saw our parents’ aging. Just like when you’re considering having kids with someone, you’ve got to be clear on your goals and expectations for what old age will look like for your parents. The oldest two in my family for sure had a very different picture in their mind, and we didn’t see the disconnect until decisions needed to be made and we couldn’t agree on anything. Even a casual conversation when you’re all together would be helpful to get a handle on how different or alike you envision the aging process. If you see big challenges ahead, you’ll have time to think about compromises and solutions before you’re in an emergency situation.
I wish we had talked to each other (or asked to be spoken to) as equals. There is a big divide in the ages of my siblings. My brother is 10 years older than me. My oldest sister is 9 years older than me. My other sister is four years older than me, so we sort of feel like two separate families sometimes. My older siblings had a much younger version of our parents growing up, so their experience with them was different (less patience, more energy). Plus, they still see us as the baby sisters, even though we are both in our fifties now. My eldest sister tends to talk in absolutes (“this is the way it’s going to be”), and we younger two often feel like the older two they discount our opinions in favor of their own.
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I wish we had sent fewer texts. When a situation is already fraught with pitfalls, sending texts opens you up for misunderstandings about tone, and a greater chance of missing important information. You often feel more compelled to respond to a text immediately than you do when you receive an email. If the information doesn’t need an immediate response, send it via email so that everyone has a chance to digest the information and take their time in crafting a response. If it does require a more timely answer, or if the topic is a touchy subject, pick up the phone whenever possible. There is so much less of a chance of misunderstanding a person’s tone (re: taking it the wrong way), when you hear their voice.
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I wish we had worried less about keeping the peace. It would have been far better for us to deal with each situation that arose instead of letting them build up to an intolerable level. Because when that happens, losing your cool is much more likely. Whenever I raged on my eldest siblings (and believe me, I raged), it was not simply about the topic at hand. Oftentimes it was not even about just recent issues, but the whole kit and kaboodle – from childhood on. Of course, these are unspoken beefs that live only in your head, so the recipients are often left thinking that you’re blowing everything out of proportion, or insane. Then you’ll likely direct anger at yourself for the lost credibility your outburst caused.
I wish we had made my sister’s role more official. The sister closest to me in age is self-employed, and her kids are grown. When my parents started really needing help, she sort of drifted into the role of primary caregiver. We knew she needed to be compensated, as her time with them meant she couldn’t work (and self-employed folks need to work to make any money). It was all very vague, and I think that there was some unspoken resentment, which of course bubbled up during a fight about something else. An accusation was made, an irreparable rift formed. My sister, who filed my father’s toenails, and cleaned up my mother’s bathroom accidents, paid their bills, cooked their food, took them to all their appointments, etc., etc. could never really get that insult out of her head (nor could I). If we had, in the beginning, created a personal care agreement, laying out a job description and what the compensation should be, among other things, maybe we could have avoided this.
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I wish we had been clear about who was involved – and who should not be. It is hard enough to try to find common ground among siblings. But throw in the opinions of an eager in-law or two and the chance of strife can rise sharply. It’s great to have a supportive spouse or partner, but they should give that support on the sidelines, and not involve themselves in the discussions between siblings. Too many cooks in the kitchen.
I wish we would have gotten professional help. We needed help in so many ways. In understanding my parents’ finances, what the best care options were, and most of all in how to get along. There are many low- or no-cost services out there, so money need not be a barrier. When you wait to think about these things when you’re in the thick of it, it’s often already too late. The wheels are in motion, tensions are high, and everyone is too upset to really think clearly. If you don't nip this all in the bud, you may end up needing legal help, like a mediator.
Resources I wish I had known about, but am glad I can pass on to you now:
Family Caregiver Alliance is chock full of articles, online classes, and other resources to help you manage all of the moving parts of elder care. You can join for free, and even receive access to a resource specialist.
Caregiver Action Network is a non-profit organization providing education, peer support, and resources to family caregivers across the country free of charge.
AARP is not just for old people. You can join at any age, FYI, and membership comes with a motherlode worth of resources to help you care both for your parents and yourself. Not to mention freebies and discounts.
Next Avenue, a non-profit online publication designed specifically to address the issues that come with aging. Great resource for seniors and senior caregivers alike.
Daily Caring is another online publication with tons of practical tips for caregivers
And of course, Surviving Seniors is here for you, providing you with practical tips, consolidated and simplified data, personal stories, a place to vent without shame or guilt, and hopefully a few reasons to laugh while you trudge through the muck of this journey.
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