My friend was having a party and she invited her mom, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease the year earlier. Her family was all there, plus some people her mom had known for a few years.
It was a buffet style dinner, with trays of food set out on the dining room table, and stacks of plates and cutlery so folks could make their own plates.
Her mother refused to even go into the room.
She made rude remarks about the setup (“Why aren’t we sitting down at the table? What are we, animals?”), the guests (“Who is that fat lady?”) and got more and more agitated as the night went on.
The truth is, once a diagnosis is made, it’s probably already too late to have parties the way you once did, especially one held at night, with a person with dementia. It’s a disease that robs families of so much, and celebratory gatherings are no exception.
But you’re not leaving your senior with dementia at home alone for the holidays, so how can you minimize their agitation and maximize their comfort (and everyone else’s)? Here are some tips for helping your senior in social situations that apply to folks with early-to-mid-stage dementia.
· Keep it as intimate as possible. If you’re inviting a senior with dementia, try to keep the party to close family and/or friends whenever possible. The longer a person with dementia has known a person, the more likely they are to feel comfortable.
· Reintroduce yourself. Look for clues that they are having trouble placing your face, and don’t be afraid to say, “Hi grandma, I’m Patrick, Danny’s son,” in a friendly way. Your senior will oftentimes be grateful for the help.
· Schedule for early in the day. Symptoms of dementia get worse as night approaches, a phenomena referred to as “sundowning.” You can avoid the worst dementia-related behaviors by planning events during the day, or very early evening.
· Have a quiet space available. Whether or not the gathering is large, you should try to have a place where your senior can get away from the crowd. It would be great if you could set this space up with things to comfort and calm them, like an old photo album of people they knew (my mom loves to look at photos from high school), a cozy blanket, a window they could sit by and look outside.
· Give them a job. Say you’re hosting Thanksgiving, and everyone is bustling around the kitchen with jobs to do. The busyness may be overwhelming to your senior, and also they may want to feel useful. Give them a job! Something simple and tactile, like tearing up a loaf of bread for stuffing (depending on the job they’re able to do, you can use this for stuffing or not – choose an inexpensive loaf of bread you won’t mind tossing if they’re licking their fingers or something equally unappealing)
· Include them in conversation. Be sure that if they are sitting with the group, they are included in at least part of the conversation. Try to ask questions that won’t require complicated answers. And check in with them – how they feel, are they comfortable, do they need anything. If you need conversation starters, consider Tales’ “Life story Interview Kit” with 150 conversation prompts divided up by early, mid, and later life/reflection. Early and mid-life cards will be most appropriate for people with dementia, and might result in some fascinating revelations!
· Minimize correcting them. My mom always tells people that her parents put her in a nursing home because she fell down the stairs. While she did fall down the stairs, it obviously wasn’t her parents who moved her. People with dementia cannot learn anything new. What they don’t remember is basically new information to them. What they believe is what they believe. Redirection is key, as are little fibs when necessary. Avoid at all costs saying things like, “You told me that already,” or “No, dad, don’t you remember?”
· Just go with it. Make sure all guests are on the same page about this. Try to minimize your reactions to things your senior says that are incorrect, outlandish, downright bizarre. Expect the unexpected. Prepare yourselves to redirect your senior if they become agitated, to ignore rude comments (and don’t take them personally), to listen with interest to stories that you know are untrue or an amalgamation of events from different times or places. Never tell them they are wrong; don’t laugh at them, just be respectful and know the disease is in control of what they say now.
· Respect their feelings. If they need to express their anger, frustration, or sorrow, let them. Validate them. Say “I’m sure being in a memory care facility is hard for you.” Say “You’re right, it’s not fair that dad died and now you feel alone.” Don’t give them a “look on the bright side” response. You won’t fool them, and you’ll likely make them feel worse. Let them vent, but not wallow. After acknowledging their feelings, try to redirect. “I’m so sorry that that happened to you, dad. Hey, do you think you could help me with something in the other room?”
Family get-togethers will certainly look different when dementia joins the party, but with a little planning and forethought, you’ll avoid any major pitfalls and even have a little fun.
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