The saga of finding a better living situation for my mom continues. When we first brought it up to my two eldest siblings, they disagreed, and a battle ensued (mostly led by me flipping out about it). But when the owner of her current facility brought up the fact that she was in a room for two people and she would either need to get a roommate or pay more money, they began to see it might be worth checking out other places.
The stark difference between the place she’s in now and memory care facilities convinced all four of us that moving her was not only warranted but necessary. The sterile environment had made her retreat to sitting in her room (which is very nice, just a lonely place to spend your time), gain weight, and get depressed. She remarked often that she felt like she was in a “loony bin,” which was understandable. The unit was populated by late-stage dementia patients and people otherwise incapacitated and often non communicative. The memory care facilities were like tiny neighborhoods, where she would have the freedom to walk about and find interesting things to do, in an easy-to-navigate setting. There were people just like her there, too: cognitively impaired but still able to participate in activities and have conversations with each other. It was a no-brainer that she belonged in a place like this.
But because nothing about caring for elderly parents is easy, this process has been daunting. We have found that assisted living and memory care placement is a lot like buying a car, including the somewhat shifty salespeople. Why is it so hard to get them to just spit out what the cost will be? What’s with one time “community fees” that range from $4,000 to $9,000? Additionally, most places have confusing tiered price structures that left us feeling less than confident we knew what we were getting into. How long would it be until she reached a “tier” that put us right back at the astronomical fee we’re paying now? And what would happen when she ran out of money and would be put on Medicaid? That is a much longer conversation; look for another blog post on that coming soon.
But wait, there’s more! My brother and his wife were the ones who found the place for my parents, and they still love it, which is one of the reasons it was so hard to get them on board for moving her. They love and trust the owner, and think he is as honest as the day is long. I’m not saying he isn’t, I’m just saying he is not just the owner, but also the head salesperson.
After my dad passed away and the dust settled a bit, we (the younger two sibs) started a soft campaign to reevaluate mom’s living situation. My brother said he would have the facility assess her to see if moving her to the assisted living side was a possibility for her. He came back to say that he was told she was not eligible. That was in October.
In early January, my brother wanted us all to gather for a meeting with the owner, to let him know we’re looking for another placement, and ask him some questions about how it would work if she stayed where she was. As soon as the owner heard we were considering moving her, suddenly assisted living eligibility was back on the table. Assisted living in this facility is not completely memory care, but has many of the hallmarks of it, and would be a much more appropriate place for my mom. It just took us saying we were going to leave to find out about it.
Is this unusual? In our experience, not at all. When one place we visited heard we were looking at another place with a community fee $5,000 cheaper than theirs, they were suddenly able to match it. What on earth? What kind of people run these places?
Businesspeople, that’s who. Even though our seniors are precious to us, and their well-being is always our top priority, maybe we can’t expect those running senior living facilities to place the same import on them. Of course they care about them, their livelihood depends on keeping those in their care, happy and healthy, but they also care about being profitable.
A great resource I’ve found is The National Consumer Voice for Quality Long Term Care, that advocates for better care for, and the rights of the elderly living in residential facilities. Their website is chockfull of useful information, like these checklists to help you ask the right questions and to know what to look for when choosing assisted living or nursing homes.
The short of it is go into choosing senior living with an open mind, but also open eyes. Ask questions. Don’t sign contracts until your senior has been assessed so that you know definitively what the cost of their care will be. And most importantly, DON’T GO FOR THE HEAD FAKE. Never forget that you’re talking to people who are trying to sell you something (a very expensive something). They are not now, nor will they ever be your best friend.
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