Who is ready to start being honest about the difficulties of holiday logistics with seniors? I’ll go first.
I hate the holidays. I have long lamented that I am a Scrooge. I hate this about myself. I wish I was filled with holiday joy, bursting with contagious good spirit. When I think of holidays, I think of unpaid work. Loads of emotional and physical work. My parents made Christmas great when I was little but once the little kid magic was gone, when my older siblings were in college and beyond, I was the only one home with parents who didn't get along so well. My bah humbug outlook intensified when my parents were elderly and in poor health and my kids were little. It’s starting to change now that my kids are a little older and my parents are no longer with us. This year I bought a festive holiday rug and I felt like I was the Grinch when his heart was slowly growing a little bigger. My sister started calling me Mrs Clause. I wore it like a badge of honor.
There is a lot out there about celebrating seniorhood and all the benefits of healthy older age. Lots of senior social media accounts seem to gloss over the complete, or at least intermittent, shit show that is caring for a medically or emotionally fragile senior, especially around holidays or special occasions.
The tips I see at this time of year are most often about managing the holiday experience for a senior with dementia. The internet abounds with tips like:
Celebrate early to avoid the sundown effect!
Try to avoid too much stimulation with too many people and too much noise!
Allow for breaks for your senior in a quiet space!
Not too much rich food or drink!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????
If a caregiver is a family member, and roughly 90% of them are, how on earth are they supposed to pull this off? The holidays and special occasions like graduations and weddings are chock full of large gatherings in unfamiliar spaces with too much noise, lights and stimulation, no personal space and buffets of gastronomic delights. They are, in fact, the very opposite of what is recommended for a senior with dementia.
Dementia aside, what if you have a senior who is cranky, extremely anxious, sneaks extra booze or has some bathroom accidents? Sometimes you have it all! How nice for you! That’s what my family had and it sometimes it sucked.
Caregivers are usually juggling several responsibilities in addition to caregiving for their senior. On special occasions there are quirky relatives and children to consider, meal planning, shopping and preparation, dietary preferences, gift shopping and wrapping, work commitments. Oh and all that self care that is recommended to keep your sanity. Gotta find some time for that, too because you can't be falling apart at such a joyous time of year- it makes people uncomfortable.
Also, let’s not forget about the family dynamics that tend to add that special something.
I know I am not alone. My patients frequently cry in my exam rooms over the struggles they face when trying to care for their aging parents. It’s easy to talk about the wins- I love hearing about them. I love it when things are going smoothly for caregivers and seniors alike. What I really wanna know about, though, is the guilt, resentment, fatigue, and depression lurking in the shadows.
Sure, there are special memories and good times and all of that, but let’s please normalize that it’s not all cookies and caroling. Let’s normalize that the holidays can be stressful at the very least, and a time of year that is maddening and depressing for many.
Let it out, people. Don’t pretend you’re ok if you’re not. We’re in this together, say it loud and proud with me: I CAN’T WAIT TIL JANUARY 2ND!
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